Dutch Door Action
by suspect tomatoes
Summary: First he screws me, then he screws you. Ledgeacy one-shot.


**A/N: So I haven't written a one-shot in a while and this one is long overdue.  
**

Something was up.

Kaitlyn had just come back from a long day of shopping with Jericho and Adam, tired beyond belief. Her feet were killing her and she had way too many bags, but she knew Jay would be too preoccupied with the cats to cater to her.

So there she was, dragging all the stuff she bought up to the house, dumping it in the empty spot beside the door while she looked for her key.

But she stopped, frowning, and looked where her bags were.

The Buddha statue was gone.

Kaitlyn stepped off the porch, into the bushes, looking around, just in case Jay had hidden it from the camera guy he'd yelled at three years ago when he filmed that stupid house tour. Jay was still convinced the guy was lurking around, trying to steal his Christian Cage doll with the Kevin Nash voice.

But the statue was just completely gone.

Still frowning, she opened the door, shoving all the boxes in with her feet. "Jay? Where are you?"

He was definitely home. She could hear something banging around in the kitchen, and music was playing.

"Jay." She looked under the dining room table, frowning when nary a cat could be found.

But then she paused, staring at the finished wood.

_When did he put the table back in here_?

It had been his "unofficial" dance studio for quite some time, but now there was a brand new mahogany dining room table in the middle of the floor. With _placemats and candles_.

So much for his restored furniture.

"Hey, there."

Kaitlyn looked over, barely blinking. "Uh…"

Jay just half-smiled. "You're home early."

"You're…" She turned, but stopped. "Not… Jay."

He licked his lips, rolling his eyes almost _cockily_. "What do you mean? Of course I am."

"But you look…" She waved her hand. "So… _hot_."

"Because I _am_." He uncrossed his arms, moving away from the door frame. "And so are you."

Kaitlyn pushed against him when he tried to kiss her. "Where's the real Jay?"

"This _is_ the real Jay."

"Oh? Tell me something only the real Jay would know."

He pursed his lips, running his palm over his perfectly tousled hair. It didn't look like the fucking shit Jericho had been doing lately. It just looked… like Jay. Perfect and _hot_ Jay.

He snapped his fingers. "I'm a shower guy."

"_Everyone_ knows that—" Kaitlyn stumbled back when Jay leaned forward and just about swallowed her words, closing his mouth over hers smoothly.

It was a minute or two before he finally pulled back, that half smirk still planted on his face.

Kaitlyn felt a little weak. "You are definitely _not_ the real Jay."

"I _am_, babe." He glanced down at her, eyes lifting heavily. "Want me to prove it to you?"

"How are you—" She frowned. "What are you holding?"

"Your shirt."

Kait's eyes widened as she looked down at her naked top half. "Jesus _Christ_! How did you do that?"

He shrugged, tossing it over his shoulder. "Let's work on getting the rest of your clothes off—"

"No. Jason." Kaitlyn smiled slightly, playing with the lapels of his black button down. "I'm… very interested in this _new you_. But I just need to know _why you're like this now_."

He lifted his hands. "I got a few… tips from someone. I was sick of being the retarded friend, and he helped me bring back the old Jay everyone used to know."

"Who was it?"

He sighed, rolling his eyes. "Can't you just _enjoy it_? Now, come on. I want to—"

"Jay, I'm not going to sleep with you until you tell me who did this."

"Listen, I don't need your consent to do the things I want to do—"

"Sounds like Jericho."

"_What_? No! Come on, baby, just… come on. I get what I want."

"Now it sounds like Adam…"

"I just need to take my pants off, and—"

"Randy! It's totally Randy."

Jay sighed again and pursed his lips. "Babe. You're making this _really hard_. And not the way I want you to."

"So, Randy made you sexy, huh?" Kaitlyn nodded, sliding her arms around his neck. "He did a good job."

Jay kissed her. "_Finally_. I've been—_What now_?"

"I just…" Kaitlyn frowned. "Where are the cats?"

"Outside, where they should be."

Kait's eyes rolled back. "Oh, _Jesus_, you've never been so hot."

"Just _wait_."

* * *

"This is _bullshit_!"

Adam and Ted stood over by the pool frowning, watching their girlfriends just _look_ at Jay while he set up a fucking _volleyball _net.

"I mean, what's the big deal? He's just tying some fucking ropes together—"

"Exactly!"

"I mean, _we_ both have our shirts off. _We_ both look good like this—Well… _I_ look good like this—"

"Yeah!" Adam blinked, glaring at Ted. "_Hey_. I fucking resent that."

"Listen, man, I just don't get it. Sunny could have all this. Mack could have…" Ted stifled a laugh, motioning to Adam's torso. "Mack could have _all_ that—"

"Maybe if I punched you in the fucking face right now Mack would get turned on by my manly attitude."

"Nothing's tearing her eyes away from Jay's guns."

"Yeah, well at least _my_ girlfriend isn't looking at Jay's _ass_."

Ted glanced down at his own. "She has plenty over here, I don't know why she wants _his_."

"Maybe there's just _too much_ over here."

"You're right. Your stomach _is_ taking up a lot of room."

"Say that again, DiBiase—"

"Ladies, ladies, ladies." Randy came up, arms apart, beer hanging loosely in one hand. "No need to fight over me. There's enough Randy to go around."

"Too bad there's enough _Jay_ to go around."

Randy nodded, smiling. "Like my work? I made business cards."

"_You_ did that?"

"Yep." Randy smirked at them. "I say he's my protégé."

"He's six years older than you!"

He waved his hands. "Whatever. I have more experience."

"What are you—"

"In the sexy department."

Adam and Ted glanced at each other. "Well," Adam drew out, "looks like you've got some competition."

Randy scoffed. "Hardly."

Ted took a sip of his drink, nodding. "Nah, Adam's right. There's a new sheriff in town."

Randy looked over at the girls touching Jay's bicep, at Kaitlyn stroking his stupid bulldog tattoo. He swallowed loudly. "You guys are crazy."

"Go ahead." Adam gestured. "Try to distract them."

Randy growled, shoving his drink into Adam's hand. His pushed his board shorts down a little farther and then just stood there, staring off in that generally direction.

Ted snorted.

Randy stumbled slightly, glaring. "Don't laugh at me! This works!"

"Right."

Randy gritted his teeth, flexing his arms tightly.

Nothing.

"Oh me, oh _my_, have I got tickets to _this_ gun show!"

"Chris, _no_—!"

But before Randy could run, Jericho already had a vise grip on his arm, stroking and cooing and marveling at its strength.

Randy groaned. "I've created a monster."

Adam nodded, patting him on the back. "There's only one way to fix this mess."

Ted frowned. "What's that?"

But Adam just smiled.

* * *

Kaitlyn was comfortably watching Wayne's World in the movie room when Jay appeared in front of her, wearing tight red trunks. She leaned to watch around him, but he moved with her, standing proud with his hands on his hips.

She glanced up at him, lips pursed. "Are those Ted's?"

"What do you think?" He turned, sticking his ass out. "Give it a good spank!"

"What's the matter with you? Get out of the way, I'm watching Wayne's World."

"Come on, you know you wanna slap it!"

Kaitlyn frowned, just looking at him. "Why is there glitter in your hair?"

Jay rolled his eyes.

"Are you… Are you wearing _lip gloss_?"

He just acted bored, cocking his hip as he stared at her.

She turned off her movie. "Did you get more lessons?"

"As a matter of fact, I _did_."

"From _who_?"

Jay scratched his stomach, reaching down to pull out the front of his trunks, peeking inside.

Kaitlyn grimaced. "Ew. Stop admiring yourself."

He looked up, distracted. "What'd you say?"

"Who gave you more lessons?"

"Jericho."

Kait narrowed her eyes slightly, tapping her lips in thought. "_Great_."

Jay kept looking into his pants. "What?"

"You're not sexy anymore."

He stumbled back. "_What_?"

"Nope. You're just a _slut_ now."

"_What_? I resent that!"

"Jay, you are _fondling_ yourself. _Casually_."

Jay glanced down at the hand completely in his trunks now, frowning. "Oh, God. Oh, _God_, you're right."

"Why would you ever think getting lessons from Chris was a _good_ thing?"

"I don't know! Randy said if I wanted to be sexier, I had to go to Chris because Randy only taught beginner classes."

"Well, that's your first mistake. Nobody's sexier than Randy."

"Yeah, I know. With those… delicious pecs and brown, tanned _muscles_—"

Kaitlyn gagged. "Chris taught you _everything_ he knows, huh?"

Jay put his head in his hands. "Oh, _no_. I'm so sorry, Kait."

"Are you gay now, too?"

"_No_!"

"I guess that's just his advanced classes." Kaitlyn sighed, patting his bare knee. "Well, don't worry, babe, we'll just get you back in Randy's class. You'll be sexy again in no time!"

"Are you sure he can change me back?"

"Well, sure. I'll probably have to sleep with him first though."

"_What_? Why!"

"Well, first he screws me, then he screws you. It's dutch door action."

Jay reached over and snatched the remote from her hands, shutting the television off. "I'm never letting you watch that movie again."

"Fuck you!"

"I like the sound of that."

Kaitlyn smiled slightly. "Sexy Jay's coming back."

"Coming _on_ your back—"

"Slutty Jay."

"I mean…" Jay bit his lip. "I want to bang you in the hot tub."

"Hmm… Sexy… kinda."

"While Chris tapes it."

"Slutty."

**A/N: It's been too long that Jay's the retard! So instead, he's going to be the sexy Jay we all know and love. Sexy Jay that's obsessed with cats and Irish jigs. Everyone wins! Review. **


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